BY MOLLY PIELS and MAIRIN ODLE

In print | Published February 14, 2008

Call us paranoid, but in the last two weeks, it seems like everyone has been really, really polite. Opening doors, saying thank you, playing the “no, no, after you” game in Sharples — stop that. Otherwise we won’t have a column to write (maybe that’s your plan?) and we’ll have to find something else to do, like playing Emma to all of our friends: just in time for Screw.

Valentine’s Day is today, just in case you missed the copious amounts of pink and red, tacky commercials for diamonds and omnipresent Ninjagrams (sadly, we didn’t get one either). This delightfully awkward holiday got us thinking about all the etiquette problems that love, dating and/or lack thereof can raise. Let’s start with the difficult maneuver of finding out whether or not someone is dateable. We don’t mean advanced dateability, like whether or not you like them. We mean whether this person is, in fact, available and amenable to your advances.

You could ask them. But what’s the fun in that? Also, then they are totally on to you. You could ask their friend, but the same problem would arise. You could also ask Facebook, but as we have all learned, un-refereed Web sites often contain false information (he’s married? To Janet Reno? Oh, that’s where I know her from).

We have to admit, we don’t really know how to find out either. Use your network of mutual friends? This might work if your friends are willing to be nosy, but then you risk unsubtle questioning on par with that of a seventh-grader: “Do you like her? Circle yes or no! No adding of a third box titled Maybe!” The other possibility is that your love interest will think that your friend likes them. We’ve seen that movie (wasn’t that with Kate Hudson?) and it’s not as cute in real life.

Dear Reader, you might also try the lost art of flirting with them. It’s hard to do well, and you shouldn’t ask us for pointers. But have fun! We’ll be watching from the other side of Sharples.

Creeping up behind someone at Paces (seriously, Paces?) and pressing your pelvis into their lower back does not count as flirting. Did you know, according to Molly’s grandma, that you can get pregnant that way? Neither did we. But we’re still against it. A good rule of thumb for appropriate PDA is: would you be embarrassed if your parents saw you doing this? How about your professors or your EVS tech? Perhaps, and this is just a gentle suggestion, you should refrain.

This rule applies universally, to couples and non-couples alike. What you do in public becomes everyone’s business, and you should ask for people’s consent before making them voyeurs. This rule also applies to the spectacle of a break-up or a fight. Politeness is about trying to make other people feel comfortable. Both of these situations are excruciatingly painful to onlookers.

Keeping confrontations as private as possible has several additional benefits. First, by the time you’ve found a place to conduct this fight, tempers will have cooled. Second, you’ll be subject to fewer prying questions from the mutual friends of someone with a secret crush on you (see above) about whether you are now single. Third, you will never have a class with someone who remembers you only as that person who threw a book all the way across the Science Center Commons.

Possibly the only thing more awkward than a public break-up is Screw. Luckily, the public humiliation is shared by hundreds of other people, so dressing up as a hotdog is more tolerable, right? Right? For those being Screwed, keep in mind that this is supposed to be fun, not a desperate search for your one and only soul mate. Creating a 50-point list of required traits in your date guarantees a stressed and resentful roommate and remember, you have to sleep in that room for the next three months.

In the worst-case scenario, your Screw date is a disaster. It’s that girl from freshman Chem. And her personality has not improved. You may not ditch this date, unless it seems that they want to ditch you, at which point you can bring it up as a new topic of conversation (having exhausted the ‘what other people are wearing’ bit). Your roommate, however misguided, has put time and effort into this, and the least they deserve is a story.

In the best-case scenario for some, you may be considering sexiling your roommate. Remember to be appreciative. That first-floor Willets double might not be much, but it’s their room too. Don’t forget to thank them. Perhaps you might send them a Ninjagram.

Molly and Mairin are seniors. You can reach them at mpiels1@swarthmore.edu and lodle1@swarthmore.edu.

« RETURN TO LIVING & ARTS

« PREV ARTICLE | NEXT ARTICLE »