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BY KEVIN FRIEDENBERG

In print | Published February 1, 2007

You saw it last week: Reggie Bush did a flip into the end zone after an 88-yard touchdown reception, trailing an index finger at the defensive backs struggling to save some dignity and run down the elusive tailback/slot-receiver. What struck me most about this play was the reaction it caused, the bickering about athletes celebrating too much and being superfluous in their merriment. People seemed genuinely offended that Reggie would go so far as to celebrate a catch for a long, long touchdown against one of the best defenses on that side of the Mississippi. Personally, I support Reggie and those like him. If you are good enough to absolutely ball in the NFL like Bush, then I think you deserve to have a little ego (We talking ’bout practice?). Forgive me if you disagree, but I eat that kind of stuff up, eat it up like a hobo with a fresh Benjamin at White Castle. Who can forget the T.O. sharpie incident (hilarious)? How about the Joe Horn cell-phone fiasco (I wonder if he gets free nights and weekends)?

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were to make a pick-six in an NFL game in front of 70,000 screaming fans. Perhaps I’d bust out the “Billy White Shoes,” “The Worm,” or my all-time backyard-ball favorite, the Ickey Shuffle. Don’t even try to tell me that some of you reading this article right now weren’t “that guy,” the gym class hero who would spike the ball ten feet into the earth in a friendly game of flag-football during high school. Then we have more in common than you think. We both think up insane touchdown dances that we would love to perform if ever we were to play pro ball, naturally. So here are my five suggestions for celebrations that you can bet your bottom dollar I would love to see on any given Sunday.

The Cal-Stanford

The next time you are running for daylight, have your 25-member entourage (you do have one right?) dress up in Stanford marching band costumes and come on to the field just as you are about to cross the goal line. Remember, you have to hammer that homeboy carrying the trombone into the turf just before you step into the promised land. Relax, he shouldn’t have been standing there.

The Willets Cat

When you’re running a route into Graceland, wait until your quarterback throws to a different player, one who is near you. Immediately before he catches it, jump up, snag the ball in your facemask, land on all fours and scamper off into the fray around the sideline. Don’t forget to hiss and swipe at anything that moves along the way.

The King Kong

Immediately following the score, grab the nearest fair maiden from the sideline and Donkey Kong up that goalpost while dangling her in one hand. Once you reach the top, flail at imaginary planes until you lose your balance and fall to either a career-ending injury or your death. Note that this particular celebration is one-time use only, of course.

The Forrest Gump

You just turned on the jets and burned a Pro Bowl safety for a big score, so now listen close. Most mortals would simply stop, hand the ball to the ref, run to the bench and allow the PAT team on the field. Not you, my man, you keep it going, don’t you dare slow down those legs as you run through the end-zone and into the tunnel, never to be seen in professional football again.

The Food Stamp

This is for the serious ballers only. Right before you take the pigskin in for some cookies, turn and hand the ball to the closest trailing defensemen. Since that joker will be too bewildered to understand why you just gave him this free handout, let his momentum carry him into the end-zone where you promptly strip the ball from him and dive on that fumble like your life depends on it. Congratulations, you just added a forced fumble and a recovered fumble to your stat column too!

Kevin is a first-year. You can reach him at kfriede1@swarthmore.edu.

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