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BY T. T. SLAP and N. PINCH

In print | Published March 30, 2006

You can take the brains out of the brawn, but you can’t take the brawn out of the brains.

Five to six years after the football program was cut at Swarthmore amidst hurricanal controversy, the pigskin pokes it’s way back into our porkless lives at the behest of Chris Ciarleglio ’35 and the Admissions Office. Chris is excited, the Admissions Office is excited … and Martyna is excited for Ben Folds (Five)? Yet coitally interrupting this excitement is a lack of three key components to potential Garnet success on the gridiron: experienced players, proper playing space and any sort of mascot. (Read the editorial to find out how they handled that last problem.)

The Roster

With the graduation of the Class of ‘04, Swarthmore lost the last vestiges of its football squad, including both players and coaching staff. To build a strong foundation for the fledgling program, administrators first commenced a rigorous coaching staff search. They looked past Jenny Yim to hire as head coach gridiron granddaddy Jones Nauseef ’06, who brings ample Iowan experience with cornhusking … and Nebraska’s good at football, right? “Yea,” said Athletic Director Adam Hertz, “Jones is awesome. Let’s call him.”

After signing Nauseef (with a KICK ASS BONUS!!!), Hertz and friends/Co. got the ball rolling on assembling a roster in time for spring training and Sager. Although many of the top high school players had already been recruited, Swarthmore landed some local blue-chips from the nearby Strath Haven High, including QB Jimmy C. and kicker Shaquille O’Neal. Hertz also dipped into Swat’s own student body and pulled out … early. The result was a motley crew of fresh talent, including Nikki Sixx ’06, Vince Neil, The Horseflies, Air Bud the Golden Receiver and that skinny woman who walks around campus all the time.

Nauseef was pleased with his core roster. “Having these guys is a coup for Swarthmore, and I hope the campus understands how big they are,” said Nauseef … again.

When pressed to the wall of Olde Club at Sager, Jones equalled boner, for about six seconds. Then, when pressed again about his plans for lineups and player placement on the turf, Jones confirmed that he was indeed “gonna keep Jimmy C. at QB” and was considering moving walk-on Benjamin S. Bradlow ’08 to wide-out, “primarily because Jimmy C. is at QB.”

The Field

After assembling a star-studded cock ring of a roster, the administration next faced the challenge of locating virginal turf for the players to sow their seeds. This proved difficult, however, since Swarthmore had turned ye olde football field into effin’ War News Radio and now lacked a potential proper pitch-place. The need for space and the Admissions effervescent search for a new school image converged when Hertz again stepped in (early) and suggested the Garnet use their entire campus as their play-place. Hertz pointed out that football players running all over campus would lend an in-your-face athletic shine to Swat’s image and dull its academic lust(er) … Dean Bob Gross ’62 just loves that shit.

Dean ’Don’t Do That, It’s’ Gross agreed, adding that “the best part is, you get points for shoving students into bushes, tripping visiting parents and tour groups, and kicking puppies.” God, Admissions is SO PUMPED.

The First Practice

Not surprisingly, at the first practice the freshly-assembled roster needed to work out some kinks in Nauseef’s back. After this routine massage session, Nauseef confirmed that the team also needed to log lots of hours on the turf before the season starts.

“I’m having trouble keeping The Horseflies (cumulative weight, 120 lbs.) out of The Rusty Nail and into The Weight-room,” Nauseef said, shaking his curls and revealing a pair of glassy baby blues. “Plus Air Bud lost a leg and always seems, I dunno, a few steps behind in drills. And Bradlow doesn’t have the soft hands we anticipated; he keeps dropping passes, even though QB Jimmy C. is putting the lotion right in his basket everytime.”

Despite these early hurdles, the team is eagerly awaiting the first kick-off on Magill Walk on Saturday, April 1.

The Final Countdown

Do do do do ….

Fortnightly gobbet of mannerly wisdom: You will have gold pieces by the bushel.

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