BY ALEX GINSBERG

In print | Published November 3, 2005

Back when The Phoenix used to suck a lot more (read: When Jon Fombonne and Emiliano Rodriguez were around) I wrote a column called “Sleeping Around Campus.” Each week I braved the dangers of Swarthmore by sleeping in an unexploited resting place. Though the column was highly acclaimed, I decided to pull the plug before my masterpiece was overplayed, like Kanye’s “Gold Digger.” However, with the unveiling of the new student center in Parrish, it became clear that my work was not done.

My expectations were high — in fact, $20 million high. Parrish has been a mess since I arrived last fall, and the administration has been talking the big talk about all the cutting edge improvements. It’s only fair, after being forced to walk all the way around the building instead of through it for three semesters, to hold these renovations to the highest level of criticism and scrutiny.

As I walked into the new lounge I noticed the brilliance that is High Definition television. Whoever picked out this marvelous wall decoration has impeccable taste. But one thing was forgotten: the remote control. Perhaps I was remiss and didn’t notice the remote control built into a chair or wall panel, but unless that is the case, the first flaw of the Parrish renovations is a missing television remote. Without this simple accessory, studious Swatties will have to get out of their seats in order to turn the channel or lower the volume. Moreover, the elevated placement of the television clearly prevents short people from reaching the buttons. Let’s face it; short people got no reason to live.

I wasn’t able to experiment with the television because a creepy hipster was watching “Apprentice: Martha Stewart.” Even worse, another hipster logged me out of the public computer when I went to go to the bathroom and didn’t leave until much later. It seems the second flaw of the Parrish renovations is that the new lounge attracts hipsters.

After messing around for a while I decided it was finally time to sleep, but alas, I had the task of finding a proper resting place. I tried sprawling out on the floor, but that was a no-go: not comfortable. I attempted making my bed atop a table; that didn’t work either. Finally, I brought together two chairs and tried to sleep, but the chairs apparently have wheels, and every time I moved they rolled apart, creating a chasm in the middle of my bed. Since I wasn’t yet too tired, I played around with the chairs in an attempt to practice for my upcoming murderball tournament. To my great disappointment, the chairs only roll forwards and backwards, leaving much mobility to be desired. These are the same cushion chairs with the little useless swivel desks and obnoxiously colored fabric. What the hell is going on at our school? Here at Swarthmore we pride ourselves on quirky individualism. We claim to be weird and intellectual, yet we furnish our brand new student lounge with boring, uncomfortable and impractical chairs. Where are the beanbags? Where are the La-Z-Boys? Jiminy Cricket, where are the swings? After all the trouble put into these renovations, someone in charge could have paid a little more attention to creativity.

Yes, I was able to sleep in the new student center. Yes, I made it to class the next day. Yes, I talked environmental services workers out of vacuuming up my personal belongings. Maybe there isn’t anything truly disappointing about the new student center; but, there certainly isn’t anything pleasing about it either. I’m not saying the lounge should be catered to impress vagrants like me, but what about the average Swattie? We are supposed to be kooky and witty, and the only things kooky or witty about the Parrish renovations are the ridiculous faces students make while trying to open their faulty mailboxes.

Alex is a sophomore. You can reach him at aginsbe1@swartmore.edu.

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