BY MATTHEW DRAPER

In print | Published April 21, 2005

Well, ladies and gentlemen and gnomes, the day you’ve been dreading has finally arrived. This is my last column EVER for The Phoenix (hold back your tears, please). Looking back on the year, I can’t help but think about all four of my years at Swarthmore and all the great times I’ve had watching and writing about sports.

But before you lucky suckers move on to your new life without me, here are some moments from the past four years of Swat sports — things we can chuckle about today, and stories we can tell our grandchildren when we retire.

Soccer team steals World Cup — After a stellar season involving a winning record, Nathan Shupe ‘05 molding his body into a human wall, and a near victory in the ECAC (Enormous Competition of Amazing soccer teams Cup), the soccer team spent Thanksgiving break going after soccer’s biggest prize. Flying to Brazil in the dead of night, the team stormed the impenetrable Brazilian Soccer Castle and made off with the World Cup. In true Swarthmore fashion, however, the players simply wanted to study it, analyzing its composition so they could create a replica 100 times larger to give to themselves after winning the Garnet invitational next spring.

Swarthmore basketball teams beats UNC — After becoming the first person to read the NCAA rulebook cover to cover, Athletic Director Adam Hertz noticed a rule written in invisible ink (rule 3.1415AC/DC) that allows a Division III basketball team from Pennsylvania that finishes with a record of exactly 5-20 to challenge the Division I national champions to a match for the true national championship. Fortunately for the Garnet, UNC’s Sean May drove to Skidmore (all the while wondering why he had to play a girls’ team), Raymond Felton was disqualified for wearing mismatching socks, and the rest of the Tar Heels team was befuddled by the Garnet’s defensive strategy of whispering organic chemistry formulas when they shot. In the final minutes, when Matt Gustafson ’05 dished to Matt Kurman ’08 for a three, the Garnet pulled off a remarkable 13-10 victory and are now hiding the real national championship trophy somewhere underneath the floor of the fieldhouse.

Golf team gets back page — In a highly controversial move, last year’s Phoenix not only admitted that Swarthmore does indeed have a golf team, but also put it on the back page. Unfortunately, since the staff was under the impression that less was better in golf, the picture was of three small gnomes with poisonous toothpicks, not of the actual golfers on the team (the gnomes just caddy). People on campus have been scared of the golf team every since.

Roy wrestles Grizzly — Unbeknownst to most students who were performing a hibernation of their own in McCabe basement this winter, the first spring thaw brought a most unusual presence on campus. Romping and stomping its way all the way from Alaska, a huge fuzzy presence named Grizzly (we’re not sure whether this was Grizzly Adams or a grizzly bear, but no matter) was making its way through the Crum Creek valley when it got distracted by the tolling of the Clothier bell tower. Angry at the loud clanging for destroying its peace of mind, this beast rushed up the hill and was about to rip the tower out of the ground when it was suddenly pelted by a pebble from none other than the brave Roy Sriwattankomen ‘05, who had just finished giving a tour. At this point, reports conflict, but what is clear is that when it was over, Grizzly ran away howling in pain having lost an eye and most of an ear, while Roy lay howling in triumph on Parrish Beach, albeit without his legs. Luckily, Roy’s legs regrew after extensive meditation. Grizzly will trouble us no more.

College Bowl and Debate declared official Centennial Conference sports — For one glorious year in 2003, aptly nicknamed “The Year the Trees Grew Trophies,” Swarthmore and Haverford prevailed on the Centennial Conference to include among its competitions ones that they could win. That year Swarthmore teams took home trophies in Debate, College Bowl, Monopoly, Magic and Dungeons and Dragons while finishing a respectable second in Poker. Ahh, those were the golden years.

Ramrod sets world record — During those magical years when Dave Gentry ’05, Steve St. Vincent ’07 and Nimrod Cohen ’06 were leading team Ramrod to t-shirt after t-shirt in intramural basketball, the team set a little-known world record for most championships won without making a free throw while having at least one person on the team wear blue in every game. Having set that record this fall, however, the team began losing its drive to win, ultimately falling short of what some analysts predicted could become the most talked-about dynasty in the history of Swarthmore.

Which brings me to the end. I know there are many more moments that I am missing, but as a columnist, I am simply here to spark debate and I hope these events can remind you of all the other great events in our school’s history. So farewell for now, I hope you enjoyed my column. Maybe someday our paths will cross on a bike path far, far away from here.

Matt Draper is a senior. You can reach him at mdraper1@swarthmore.edu.

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