BY KAIKO SHIMURA

In print | Published April 7, 2005

I remember my first time trudging from Wharton to Willets, hair clearly in disarray, eyeliner so smudged I looked like a 12-year-old Avril fan, clearly not wearing Sunday brunch attire. Shivering in my skimpy top, I stupidly chose the path that cut in front of Sharples … and managed to bump into my hook-up’s two best friends. I was on the “Walk of Shame” and we all knew it. The two guys actually stopped me to ask me how my night had been. Extremely embarrassed, all I could say was, “Uh, great, um, I have to go. It’s cold.” To which they cleverly retorted, “Go put some clothes on.”

Humiliating? Yeah. Does it always have to be? No. Obviously, walking in front of Sharples at peak brunch time in the outfit you wore to Paces the night before and with a bad case of bedhead is akin to screaming from the bell tower that you managed to get busy with someone. And at a school this small, it’s going to take the rest of the campus about five minutes to figure out exactly who that someone was. If you want to flaunt that fact, read no further. On the other hand, if you want to keep your, uh, extracurricular activities somewhat discreet, read on.

There are really two options after a hook-up: Stay/pass out until the next morning, or leave. If you leave that same night, excuses come easily - you were visiting a friend, having some post-party drinks, watching a movie, etc. If you stay, you will inevitably end up walking in shame. The caution with which you choose to walk obviously correlates with how ashamed you are that you just hooked up with a particular person. If you intend on doing it again, just use the nearest bathroom, clean up, and walk back to your room. Who cares about the girl that shoots you a surprised look in the bathroom as if to say “You don’t live here?” She’ll be hear- I mean, seeing more of you anyway.

But if you really don’t want anyone to know, skip the bathroom. Chances are you got up pretty late and the bathroom is a fairly populated space by now. Try to do the obvious, like comb through hair, put your clothes on the right way, and make sure you look fairly normal. Do not to stagger out of the room groggily. This last point is key; looking and acting as if you’ve been up for at least an hour will at least throw some doubt into the air as to why you were “visiting” someone so early in the morning. And if you bump into someone in the hallway, don’t give away how ashamed you may feel. Smile and pretend like you’re always hanging out and having slumber parties on that hall. If you’re really worried, grab a newspaper or a few sheets of paper; act as if you ran out to print something at the library or you woke up and never showered because you were so anxious to get your hands on the Saturday edition of The New York Times.

Still paranoid? I would be tempted to suggest you somehow disguise yourself and jump through a space portal that will teleport you back to your room. But that’s not possible. So if you really don’t want to experience a fully embarrassing Walk of Shame, just don’t go home with anyone you would be ashamed of hooking up with. Easier said than done, but try to imagine what the consequences would be like if you did go home with that particular person; and more importantly, if you really want to deal with those consequences. And to those of you who witness the Walk of Shame in action: Be nice, and don’t make the poor person squirm. You know you’ve been there and done the same thing before, too.

Kaiko is a senior. You can reach her at kshimur1@swarthmore.edu.

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