BY ALEX LEADER-SMITH

In print | Published December 2, 2004

I’m not a great cook. In fact, I’m downright incompetent in the kitchen. Over the years I’ve left in my wake dozens of bags of burnt popcorn, several mangled tuna fish cans, and one particularly ill-fated dish of macaroni mush and cheddar Goldfish crackers. It hasn’t been pretty. Still, even one so incapable as myself manages to pick up some useful tidbits of knowledge along the way. In hopes of providing similarly gifted individuals with some beacon of reassurance, I present to you today ….

1. Microwaves can explode. Avoid whenever possible.

2. Oven mitts are necessary attire for toasting, baking, reheating, defrosting, melting, broiling, and microwaving. Sure, they might look funny. But not as funny as THIRD-DEGREE MUFFIN BURNS!

3. If a jar is hard to open, run it under hot water. If a jar is REALLY hard to open, eh, there’s probably something better to eat anyway.

4. Pondering culinary philosophy is a great way to distract yourself from the stress of preparing meals: “Isn’t toasting weird? Why does heated bread get all brown and crispy? Why doesn’t it, say, bake? Or melt? Or explode into flame? Could Einstein maybe look into this?”

5. When in doubt, add peanut butter.*

6. The safest foods to prepare are those that come with cooking directions. Thus, safe foods: soup, macaroni and cheese, popcorn. D-a-n-g-e-r-o-u-s foods: eggs, mutton roast, turnips.

7. Watching others cook is a great way to learn basic kitchen skills. Watching late-night reruns of Iron Chef Japan is not.

8. If you’re left-handed, complain that any difficult-to-use kitchen device (e.g. can opener, cheese grater) is “made for righties.” Gripe about the systematic righty-normatization of our society. Whine about being oppressed. Then get a sympathetic right-hander to cook for you.

9. Remember this number: 610-544-2300. Renato’s can save any ruined meal.

*If you’re not a Jif aficionado, replace “peanut butter” with “tofu,” “chocolate,” “raisins,” etc. in accordance with your own tastes. Just don’t blame me when your Spam-and-jelly sandwich turns out lacking.

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