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BY GERRIT HALL and MAC CARLSON

In print | Published November 20, 2003

Attention, devoted readers of “Freshman are Stupid” (all three of you):

Perk up your ears. Do you hear that sound? The muffled screams of Gerrit and Mac, tied to a chair with tape over their mouths? First prize this week goes to whoever can guess who kidnapped them. Time’s up -it was us, Samuelkeifert and Danielledingman. Those are code names, you fools - you’ll never find us. By the way, one of us lives in Wharton 143, and Sam can be found in her mini-fridge.

We have kidnapped Gerrit and Mac for one reason and one reason only, but we can’t remember what it is. As such, the following is a list of possible reasons to kidnap Gerrit and Mac. E-mail us your pick to win second prize!

1: We wanted their money. Problem: They’re broke. Well, that’s not true. Mac has 11 cents. Yay, Mac. Boy, are you a rich bastard. Actually, you’re just a bastard. Stop squirming. Danielle, fetch me a cat-o’-nine-tails.

2: We wanted them to reveal the secret of all comedy. This seems unlikely.

3: Our toaster is broken. Problem: This may not be a good reason to kidnap people.

4: Sam wanted to raise awareness for his upcoming shift at Kohlberg Coffee Bar, today at 2:30.

5: Wait — Sam, aren’t we supposed to stay anonymous?

6: Danielle wanted to draw attention to the purple highlights in her hair. Ain’t they purdy?

7: Damn it! We did it again!

9: We really only had eight reasons, but nine is Danielle’s lucky number, and so if we have nine reasons, the plan is fool-proof. Victory is mine! No, mine! Mine! Fine, can we share it? OK. Victory is ours!

At this point, we’d like to open the floor for questions. Whoever asks the best question wins third prize.

Yes, you there in the front — the wee rosy-cheeked fellow in green with the shamrock on his bowler hat. What’s your question? When is Saint Patrick’s Day, you ask? March 17. Next question, please.

Wait, Sam — I’ve got a question. Why isn’t Madonna from Minnesota instead of Michigan? As if claiming all the Great Lakes for itself wasn’t enough, Michigan has to go and … and … and … I don’t know.

Explain to the good people how the inspiration to kidnap Gerrit and Mac came to you in a dream?

OK … well, I was in this cave. It was one of those caves that had glistening wet walls, and it was sort of dark, as if lit by candles. Actually, there were candles there, just like the cave from “Pirates of the Carribbean.” Captain Jack Sparrow (played brilliantly by Johnny Depp) was hanging out, sharing rum with me, when the inspiration hit.

“Danielle,” he said. “To be a real pirate, like me, you must kidnap the most powerful people in your community. If you can’t get hold of them, just go for the first two schmucks you come across. Savvy? But don’t do it alone. You can’t run this ship all by your onesies, savvy?”

Danielle, you’ve given away too much! I’ve just received a note from Gerrit and Mac, saying “Parlay.” By the Pirate’s Code, this means we can’t harm them till we take them to our leader. Danielle, we don’t have a leader! What do we do? We could free them…

Don’t worry, Sam. I’ve got a better idea … Hey fellas. We see your point. Now feel ours!

Stab, stab, stab.

(Gerrit, Mac, and leprechaun expire.)

Anonymously,

Sam and Danielle

Sam and Danielle are kidnappers. Send five doubloons to sdingma1@swarthmore.edu or dkeifer1@swarthmore.edu if you ever want to see Gerrit and Mac alive again.

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