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BY GERRIT HALL and MAC CARLSON

In print | Published November 6, 2003

For the past four years, we’ve overheard people having the same arguments in Sharples, day in and day out. We’re getting sick of it. The time has come for us to settle these questions once and for all.

Best Sharples bar: This is a trick question. They’re all perfect in their own ways, so there’s no one correct answer. Nonetheless, Gerrit is partial to taco bar, while Mac prefers pasta bar.

Who has the most work this weekend?: Thaddeus Osgood, who has to move all the sand on Pismo Beach, one grain at a time.

Best Star Wars movie: “Attack of the Clones.”

Worst TV show: “Friends.”

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?: She currently works at the Wawa up Baltimore Pike and is attending night school to get her M.B.A.

Who would win in a fight between Saddam Hussein and evil mutant space warriors?: Probably the space warriors, depending on the power of their ray guns.

Who took the cookie from the cookie jar?: Holice Kil ’04.

Best indie rock band: None. They all suck.

Best time of day: 5 p.m., when the bookstore closes.

Oh, say can you see, by the dawn’s early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming, whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight o’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming, and the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there; oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave, o’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?: Wait, that’s not a question. Well, I guess it is. They’re asking if the flag waves over the land of the free. That’s a stupid question. I think what they mean to ask is, why is the American national anthem so terrible? That’s easy. It was chosen by the idiots over in Congress. It’s not like anybody has a good national anthem, though. “O Canada” sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard, and I can’t even think of any other country’s anthem. They should’ve picked the theme song to M*A*S*H. Everybody likes that song.

Shortest curse word: *

Who’s going to win the NBA championship?: Los Angeles, obviously. The Clippers are due.

Best letter of the alphabet: ‘V.’ It’s simple yet sleek, and completely immune from criticism, unlike every other letter. For example, K and X are fine by themselves, but in triplets they become racist and pornographic, respectively. No other letters rhyme with ‘L,’‘M,’ or ‘N,’ so they lose. A is a bit vowelly for our taste. This also eliminates ‘E,’ ‘I,’ ‘O,’ ‘U,’ and sometimes ‘Y.’ The rest of the time, ‘Y’ is eliminated because it is in the words Yanni, MondaY and Yankees. You can figure out the rest of the letters for yourself. Except for ‘V.’ ‘V’ is immune.

Ugliest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Leonardo.

Best Beatles album:" Led Zeppelin II."

Best Audience of Two episode: “Tap Dancing with Nixon.”

Best movie: “Big Lebowski.” Any further discussion on the subject of movies is redundant.

No you didn’t!: Yes, I did.

Best Beatles album: “Attack of the Clones.”

Did Jake Beckman get his Cleveland art thing?: Yes. (See article on page 10.)

Largest Number: 28.

Best way to end a column:

Mac: I think we should somehow refer back to the process of writing the column.

Gerrit: No, dingus, conflict is the root of all comedy. We should end with a dispute.

Mac: I see your point. Now feel mine! (Stabs Gerrit).

Gerrit: Rosebud (Expires).

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