BY GERRIT HALL and MAC CARLSON

In print | Published October 23, 2003

While hanging out in the admissions office the other day (all right, you caught us … we were hitting on specs), we threw an interesting piece of Swarthmore College admissions propaganda in Mac’s bookbag. Unfortunately, Mac left his bookbag in the deep fat fryer at Paces, so we had to spend several hours scalding our hands while trying to get it out, at which point the admissions propaganda had been thoroughly fried. As we were trying to read it, all crispified, a troll grabbed it and ran to Massachusetts.

This development necessitated an exciting fall break road trip for us, filled with chin piercings, gun shopping and run-ins with the Harvard police. But that’s an entirely different story. Anyway, the moral here is that we learned that the Swarthmore student body consists of more than 25 percent seniors.

I don’t know about you, but somehow I’ve never noticed this statistically significant proportion of the student body. All the students I’ve met are young and sprightly, not enfeebled old people. (In retrospect, that’s probably why they asked us for our social security numbers when we applied to Swarthmore.) Therefore, we dedicate this column to the various difficulties faced by the mysterious quarter of the student body that is senior citizens … er, uh, “chronologically advanced.”

Note, please, the subtle difference between “Senior Citizen” and “Señor Citizen.” Señor Citizen has a squiggly line above the “n” and comes from Mexico.

If you’re a senior citizen, you might be wondering about the best places around Swarthmore to purchase items required for your basic senior citizen needs. You might want to note that saying “Geritol” into the voice recognition system will actually connect you to Gerrit Hall, who will gladly help you. For all your medication needs, I recommend you consult with Worth Health Center or Michael’s Pharmacy, or simply stop by Willets if you happen to suffer from glaucoma. Also, as far as we can tell, the Swarthmore Ville provides services exclusively for old people, so we recommend you head down there to fill your cravings for cheese, crappy haircuts and whatever they sell at “Occasionally Yours.”

From what we understand, loneliness can also be a problem for many senior citizens. You should call your parents if you need someone to talk to that badly. But there are many options available here at Swarthmore. If you’re looking for people your own age, we’d recommend the Board of Managers. Swarthmore also provides a variety of clubs and activities that old people are interested in, such as folk dancing, the Knit Wits and the baroque ensemble. And don’t forget, the enlightened staff at Pub Nite gives a $1-off discount for seniors.

One reason senior citizens might feel uncomfortable on Swarthmore’s campus is that the young majority of students is not making the campus a welcome environment. Why not make a quarter of the songs at Paces parties something old people can Charleston to? Why not spike punch with Fixodent? Why label their fondest memories as “history class”? Don’t answer the questions. They’re rhetorical.

Finally, we’ve concluded that this vast population of senior citizens must live off campus, judging by the conspicuous absence of old people in dorms. We’d like to encourage you fogeys to join the melting pot that is dorm life. Imagine attending bingo study breaks, fighting with other students over whether to watch “The Simpsons” or “Murder, She Wrote,” and having people yell at you to quit cranking the Sinatra at six in the morning.

What an amazing new dimension hallcest will take on in an age-diverse paradigm … actually, on second thought, stay off our campus. We’ve already got dibs on the specs, gramps.

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