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BY GERRIT HALL and MAC CARLSON

In print | Published September 25, 2003

We decided to give something back to the city of Philadelphia by offering a much-needed service to its underprivileged citizens. We know that there are already many outstanding local groups that work to feed, clothe and shelter homeless people, so we decided to think outside the boxcar. One important question immediately popped into our heads: How does the modern hobo on the go get around?

And so the Hobo Trolley was born. We decided to drive into Philadelphia with all the necessary provisions for hobo transportation and offer free rides to the noble hobos on the street.

First things first, we had to prepare our mode of transport, the “trolley.” When Bill Cosby got his first car, he painted “Captain America” on the side. Gerrit therefore felt it would be appropriate to decorate Mac’s car in a similar vein, only replacing “Captain” with “Hobo” and “America” with “Trolley.” Mac muttered something about over his dead something or other, and we eventually reached a compromise whereby we taped signs to the windows.

With the outside of the car all set, we still had to get appropriate refreshments for the passengers who boarded the trolley. As everyone knows, the centerpieces of hobo culture are baked beans and Night Train – fortified wine. Unfortunately, neither of us could afford the $5 that these things would cost. So we grabbed a peppermint stuck between Gerrit’s couch cushions and hit the road.

Before you go out and make your own imitation Hobo Trolley, we must warn you about a number of security issues. The most dangerous thing about hobos is their bad breath, so we were lucky to have a peppermint at hand. Also, while most hobos are good-hearted street-dwellers, you might occasionally run across the so-called “stabby” variety of hobo.

For this reason, we recommend that you carry concealed weapons. We chose fingernail clippers.

A final word of caution: We had better not see any competing services under the name Hobo Trolley™. That’s our trademark. “Vagrant Van” and “Bum Bus” are both available, to the best of our knowledge.

Don’t make us get stabby.

Despite all our preparations, the trial run of the Hobo Trolley™ met with only moderate success. As it turns out, a hobo in need of a ride is harder to find than Jon and Emiliano’s testicles. We drove around, shouting out the windows such things as, “Hobo Trolley™!”, “Free rides for hobos!”, “Now boarding!”, and “Hey, hobo!” But, rather than taking us up on our generous offer of a free ride (and a mint), the hobos spurned us. Some acted as if they couldn’t hear us, others stared quizzically, but no one even feigned interest in our civic-mindedness.

Hobos of every shape and size rejected us: tall hobos, short hobos, graduate school hobos, unemployed hobos, attractive female hobos, hobos in business suits, mother hobos with baby hobos … We thought at first that no one needed a ride, but then we saw scores of hobos waiting for buses or stepping into taxis. What could all these hobos have against the Hobo Trolley™?

A bit dismayed, we headed back to Swarthmore. Mac decided that the mint would be put to its best use in Gerrit’s mouth. We were about to give up all hope when we realized that there might be needy hobos in our own backyard. At that very moment, we spotted Toby David ’06 sitting dejectedly in the parking lot. “Hey, hobo!” we shouted. “Need a ride?”

“Um … not really,” Toby said, as we threw him in the back seat of the Trolley™ and carted him off to the Springfield Mall.

Leaving Toby in the parking lot and driving away, we watched in admiration as he ran excitedly after us, and we congratulated ourselves on another job well done.

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