BY VERÓNICA HERRERA

In print | Published May 1, 2003

I have to disagree with a claim Gerrit Hall (bless his little junior heart) made in last week’s living and arts section. He said, “By the time you reach the end of your junior year, you officially know everything there is to know about Swarthmore” (pg. 8). In reality, it’s not until you’re about to clock out at the end of your fourth year that you can say, “Because I worked so hard reading a real newspaper so I could figure out what to write for this one, I’m going to waste the last column of my Swarthmore career by ranting and raving about some of the many useless things I’ve learned.” (Verónica Herrera, right now.)

1) OK — for academics:

a) I like the honors program, and I like taking seminars. But I have to insist to all of you who don’t know any better and are believing all the hype about how great the external examinations can be (because, “oh, it’s such an amazing experience to get to talk to the person who wrote the book you read in class”) — be forewarned. It’s not an amazing experience at all. First of all, your professor has undoubtedly gathered all of her or his classmates, colleagues and tennis buddies that ever wrote anything remotely related to your seminar and smeared their names all over your syllabus. You have been reading their scholarship all semester, and whoever is not busy on the fateful day in May and is hard up for the stipend will be administering your oral exam. And it won’t be like “a conversation.” It will be like “an exam.” One in which you are probably right about everything, but 20 minutes won’t be enough time to convince your professor’s doubles partner of your brilliance.

b) While all your senior friends are strategically planning four fun trips and parties, one for every night before each of your written exams, you will be locked in the library with every schmuck you hated the first time around in seminar, having to study what you stopped caring about after the first time you learned it. So, I strongly suggest that you sign up as honors and enjoy all the free booze during some great seminars (and research carefully which few professors don’t allow or encourage boozing during seminar and stay clear). Think about what you might write your thesis on, drop honors at the end of your senior fall semester, pick up the course major and write a little, non-graded, very difficult-to-not-finish thesis.

2) OK, for dating:

a) Save some for later. Don’t exhaust all of your dating and/or sexual opportunities your first year at Swarthmore. Make sure to not hook up with everyone you find mildly attractive right away. Be somewhat nice to them until you’re ready for them later on. There will come a time when standards will drop, creativity will kick into overdrive and the bottom of the barrel will become bottomless. If you saved some for later, then you can reach into the reserves and not have to risk dating a Phi Psi pledge.

b) If you didn’t save your reserves, it’s OK to make Swat dating compromises, like “I’m only seeing you because I’ve exhausted all of my other options” and “We can sleep together, but in the morning we eat lunch at Sharples separately,” as long as your “partner” understands that you’re giving them the junior/senior discount and that they are not to speak of this to anyone.

3) OK, for everything else:

a) The American media sucks. Get your news somewhere else.

b) If you’re still reading this, you’re probably not enjoying your Thursday lunch at Sharples. So when it comes time to donate to your dear alma mater, remember that an “improve Sharples food” on the memo line of the check will help improve The Phoenix as well.

Verónica has 31 days until graduation. Please do not bother contacting her about this column, because she no longer has any obligations to answer your e-mails.

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