BY ANONYMOUS

In print | Published May 1, 2003

All my life, I have felt that I was a sexual freak, a genetic mistake incapable of reaching orgasmic bliss in any situation other than by myself with my trusty hand (or vibrator, but you all know that). Over the years, I had been stroked, rubbed and thrusted by fingers, penises and dildos, but to no avail. I was left feeling miserable and inadequate, faking orgasms to make my partners “feel better” or apologizing for my body’s “frigidity.”

Have you heard a similar story before? You probably have, whether you share my pain or know someone who does. Plus, “good” sex is inevitably portrayed as little more than orgasming at the same time as your partner. C’mon … clearly those directors have never experienced really good oral sex. Considering that about 80 percent of women cannot reach orgasm from vaginal penetration alone (according to Shere Hite in the controversial “Hite Report”), it is painful to me that mainstream society still regards heterosexual “sex” as being only the penis-in-vagina variety. Why does this model of sex continue to be portrayed as the only “legitimate” one if so many people aren’t getting off from it? Well, you can blame Freud (yes, he messed this up, too), among others. Over the years, there have been several sex “researchers” whose studies of orgasm in women rested on the assumption that vaginal orgasm in women is the only “mature” (i.e., valid) type, even though these researchers knew that only a minority of women regularly experienced such orgasms. So, the majority of clitorally orgasming women were cast off as abnormal and deficient, and the type of heterosexual sex play that allowed men to do very little work and receive a very large amount of pleasure was established for future generations.

It was only after radical sex researchers such as Alfred Kinsey in the ‘50s and Shere Hite in the ’70s published their data from detailed sex surveys that people began to question whether individuals in heterosexual relationships should really be putting so much energy into searching for the elusive vaginal (also known as G-spot) orgasm. There is a great deal of controversy surrounding the G-spot, whether it is just an extension of the clitoris and whether most women actually have one. From what I’ve read, it seems that most researchers now believe it is actually an extension of the clitoris, which makes sense, and while it is a very sensitive region in some women, it leaves others cold. This is similar to the perenium in men, the area between the testicles and the rectum, which has been known to be an orgasmic region for certain men.

Rather than calling orgasms that women have from penetration “G-spot orgasms,” however, I prefer to call them vaginal, both for the above reasons and also because even women who report regularly having orgasms from penetration generally need either direct or indirect clitoral stimulation for this to occur. So what I’m saying is, stop thinking of them as so separate, because even for the minority of women who can have them, there is often an overlap between the clitoral and vaginal variety.

For those of you out there who share my experience, or who may sometime in the future join the ranks of the 80 percent, hear me out. There is nothing that is “better,” per se, about being able to orgasm during penetration. Although orgasms feel different, they work the same way, and hence are equally as pleasurable. Don’t set yourself up for sexual frustration and feelings of anxiety.

1) Do not look at your lack of vaginal orgasms as a “problem.” You’re the norm, after all. Vaginal orgasms are a bonus, but most women who experience both attest that, though they are different, neither is more enjoyable than the other.

2) Read sex books, like “Orgasms for Two” by Betty Dodson or “The Guide to Getting It On” by Paul Joannides. There are some sexual positions that researchers say can help, but, to be honest, I’ve read a lot of literature about them, and they seem to be mostly difficult and uncomfortable. The sexual position most recommended by therapists is the female-on-top position, but if you’ve tried a variety of positions and penetration still doesn’t get you off, move on to step three.

3) Take matters into your own hands. Yes, I know I am obsessed with masturbation, but it’s for a good reason. Just think about it. Ninety-five percent of women can have clitoral orgasms in about four minutes via masturbation, you want to have orgasms “during” intercourse, and you have a free hand. The beauty of this method is that it works in almost any position and takes the pressure off both of you.

4) If you are having clitoral orgasms from other kinds of stimulation (oral sex, fingering, etc.) and you’re happy with that, what’s the problem? Clearly the penis-in-vagina definition of sex as the “true” kind is ridiculous, obviously, considering it is not an option for many quite satisfied couples. I mean, come on. If it’s not broke, then don’t fix it. God knows we have enough to stress about as it is.

5) Fantasize! My honey was completely befuddled when I told him that, in all my years of solo sex, I rarely let my mind engage in naughty thoughts. Many sex therapists agree that a large part of sexual pleasure is psychological, so, please, when you find your mind wandering to the paper that is already three days late, just let it go for a minute! Being mentally and emotionally present in the moment will definitely bring your play to new levels of intensity. If you need some ideas, read erotica or (gasp!) check out some porn. (Yes, a feminist who doesn’t universally denounce porn! Shocking, isn’t it?) Studies have shown that women become just as sexually aroused as men after watching porn, so you might be surprised. I doubt you’ll have trouble finding any on the Internet, or probably even on the network.

To be honest, after all my research about female orgasms from penetration, the only real benefit is that you and your partner don’t need to work as hard. But hey, good sex takes work, and wouldn’t you rather give your hand a workout than have your partner’s physically spent, sweaty body lying on you while you grit your teeth and wonder, “When will I get my turn?” We’re told as women to take responsibility for ourselves and our futures but never our sexual needs. Do what makes you happy. In the long run, this will be infinitely satisfying for you both.

Sarah is a sophomore. You can reach her at email address removed at request of author.

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